Dear Santa, I want a Butt Buster and a Mr. Microphone ...

Columns

Discussion

November 28, 2008

BY BERNIE HORNICK The Tribune-Democrat Fri Nov 28, 2008, 10:42 PM EST

Clap on.

That time of year is upon us again – a time of thanksgiving, of good will toward others, of share and share alike.

You know where this is headed: It’s cheesy-gift time.

A bending fish singing “Take me to the river, drop me in the water,” a lifetime supply of eight different flavors of popcorn, the thrice-overpriced ham and mustard set.

Who hasn’t received or bought one of these seasonal favorites?

At the risk of dating myself, I go back to the era of the Mr. Microphone.

You know the commercial. The convertible cruises slowly past some walking high school girls when one of the young men in the car pops up, whips out his Mr. Microphone, and says, “Hey, good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later!” The ad then goes into the $19.95 spiel.

All that’s missing is: “And, if you act now, we’ll throw in something for the girls: ‘Mr. PFA.’ ”

In the 1980s, the me-first age, the kitschy gift was the Butt Buster.

Suzanne Somers might not have been the brightest bulb, but she sure knew how to demonstrate a spring-loaded exercise apparatus. Kind of the Sarah Palin of the Reagan era.

And the Chia pet was in full flower, no pun intended.

My primary problem with this merchandise was the name itself. Just what is a chia, anyway?

And, once we know what it is, is it of Asian or Spanish origin?

Then, there’s the question of exactly what type of vegetation sprouts from ceramics. Do we really want to know?

But wait! There’s more!

The Ginsu knife.

Infomercials would boast about how this amazing, revolutionary knife could be used to slice a pop can in half in seconds.

No one ever mentioned why you would want to do that. But if the need ever arose, you’d be covered.

Ron Popeil is the ghost of Christmas Schlock – past, present and future.

The Pocket Fisherman is a crowd favorite. Popeil’s Ronco Corp. boasts on its Web site: “This is the famous fishing pal that has thrilled generations!’’

Well, as fishing pals go, it has got to be better than my former buddy who hooked me in the back of the neck with a miscast cast. Or the guy who stood up in the canoe and rocked our world.

The Pocket Fisherman is retailing for $29.95. But we’ll throw in the Veg-O-Matic, which actually can be seen at the Smithsonian Institution. It slices, it dices, it ... well, slices and dices.

Now, how much would you pay?

And if you act now, we’ll send you the revolutionary Inside-the-Egg Scrambler.

We’ll also toss in the 5-Tray Electric Food Dehydrator. I don’t need one; my cooking just does that naturally.

American ingenuity can do better, though.

How about a fruitcake that automatically forwards itself through the mail to the next person on your list?

Now, that would be an invention!

Clap off.

Bernie Hornick is a reporter with The Tribune-Democrat.

Text Only | Photo Reprints

Columns

Blogging with heart
Anyone else have this issue: The more I know, the more I want to learn.
As I am writing my heart month stories for this week’s packages, I occasionally come across a term or description unfamiliar to me. So I look it up. And then the definition or article has something else that sounds important, so I look that up.

February 9, 2012 1 Photo
Blogging with heart
I was feeling overwhelmed yesterday, so today, I’m organizing my work. I have talked to probably a couple dozen people for Heart Month stories and I have pages and pages of notes.

February 8, 2012 1 Photo
Blogging with heart
I've got so much stuff for this Sunday's American Heart Month package, that some of the stories will spill over onto Monday. But I don't know what to leave out, or hold for the next week, so it looks like a double hit this week.

February 7, 2012 1 Photo
Blogging with heart
Launching into the second week of American Heart Month, I'm looking at stories on the leading-edge treatment options and how local heart specialists are helping patients live longer.

February 6, 2012 1 Photo
Blogging with heart
I had a couple of interesting interviews over the past 24 hours. The first was with an ambitious Forest Hills High School junior who organized a Red Out across the district today in support of American Heart Association. Like many of those involved in Heart Association benefits, Spencer Ivock was inspired by his own family members' experience with heart disease.

February 3, 2012 1 Photo
Blogging with heart
As if I weren't under the gun enough with three American Heart Month stories due for Sunday's paper, I just assigned myself another story for Friday.

February 1, 2012 1 Photo
Mike Mastovich | Where does hockey fit in War Memorial future?
The Federal Hockey League wants in. The Wheeling Nailers might be out. The North American Hockey League just might be interested though nothing is official.
The United States Hockey League, not so much.
Exactly what is the future of hockey at Cambria County War Memorial Arena for next season and beyond?

February 1, 2012 2 Photos
Cory Isenberg | Westmont dominates in the pool
The keeping of records and milestones is a part of the celebration of sports competition.

January 23, 2012 1 Photo
Mike Mastovich | Making a Federal case in Johnstown
Two years ago, Andy Richards saw an opportunity and made a pitch to bring a team from the then-fledgling Federal Hockey League to Johnstown.
The Johnstown Chiefs had just announced the ECHL team’s pending departure for Greenville, S.C., after owner Neil Smith had finally lost too much money to remain in one of the most storied hockey cities in North America.

January 22, 2012 1 Photo
Mike Mastovich | For Taylors, boxing is a family affair
Andres Taylor realizes the significance of his younger brother Calvin’s trip to Terre Haute, Ind., this weekend.
A World Boxing Foundation All Americas cruiserweight champion, Andres is quite familiar with the climb through the amateur and professional boxing ranks.
This is a big step for Calvin Taylor IV, who recently won the Pennsylvania Silver Gloves title and qualified for a return to the regional event he nearly won last year. A berth in the national Silver Gloves Championship in Kansas City, Mo., will be at stake for the 106-pound fighter.

January 12, 2012 1 Photo
More Columns Headlines

Columns

Search Results

Discussion

Dear Santa, I want a Butt Buster and a Mr. Microphone ...

Do you support Gov. Tom Corbett’s proposed state budget for fiscal year 2012-13?

Contact Us