BY BERNIE HORNICK
Clap on.
That time of year is upon us again – a time of thanksgiving, of good will toward others, of share and share alike.
You know where this is headed: It’s cheesy-gift time.
A bending fish singing “Take me to the river, drop me in the water,” a lifetime supply of eight different flavors of popcorn, the thrice-overpriced ham and mustard set.
Who hasn’t received or bought one of these seasonal favorites?
At the risk of dating myself, I go back to the era of the Mr. Microphone.
You know the commercial. The convertible cruises slowly past some walking high school girls when one of the young men in the car pops up, whips out his Mr. Microphone, and says, “Hey, good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later!” The ad then goes into the $19.95 spiel.
All that’s missing is: “And, if you act now, we’ll throw in something for the girls: ‘Mr. PFA.’ ”
In the 1980s, the me-first age, the kitschy gift was the Butt Buster.
Suzanne Somers might not have been the brightest bulb, but she sure knew how to demonstrate a spring-loaded exercise apparatus. Kind of the Sarah Palin of the Reagan era.
And the Chia pet was in full flower, no pun intended.
My primary problem with this merchandise was the name itself. Just what is a chia, anyway?
And, once we know what it is, is it of Asian or Spanish origin?
Then, there’s the question of exactly what type of vegetation sprouts from ceramics. Do we really want to know?
But wait! There’s more!
The Ginsu knife.
Infomercials would boast about how this amazing, revolutionary knife could be used to slice a pop can in half in seconds.
No one ever mentioned why you would want to do that. But if the need ever arose, you’d be covered.
Ron Popeil is the ghost of Christmas Schlock – past, present and future.
The Pocket Fisherman is a crowd favorite. Popeil’s Ronco Corp. boasts on its Web site: “This is the famous fishing pal that has thrilled generations!’’
Well, as fishing pals go, it has got to be better than my former buddy who hooked me in the back of the neck with a miscast cast. Or the guy who stood up in the canoe and rocked our world.
The Pocket Fisherman is retailing for $29.95. But we’ll throw in the Veg-O-Matic, which actually can be seen at the Smithsonian Institution. It slices, it dices, it ... well, slices and dices.
Now, how much would you pay?
And if you act now, we’ll send you the revolutionary Inside-the-Egg Scrambler.
We’ll also toss in the 5-Tray Electric Food Dehydrator. I don’t need one; my cooking just does that naturally.
American ingenuity can do better, though.
How about a fruitcake that automatically forwards itself through the mail to the next person on your list?
Now, that would be an invention!
Clap off.
Bernie Hornick is a reporter with The Tribune-Democrat.
