JOHNSTOWN —
At Thanksgiving, we count our blessings and express gratitude. You readers can be thankful that I’ve never invited you to dinner.
Some folks have eaten at my house and gone on to live healthy, normal lives. Others, however, tell frightening tales of grisly inedibility. Savory and usually recognizable holiday dishes have emerged looking like weasel intestines and tasting worse.
If you listen carefully, you can hear a terrified gasp when I steer my shopping cart down the turkey aisle. Fresh or frozen, these birds know the meaning of “cruel and unusual punishment.”
A fine line separates “melt in your mouth” from “decomposition.” I’ve crossed it more than once.
Years ago, my friend Marlene offered me advice: “If you can read, you can cook.”
I can read, honest! I just fumble techniques, misuse ingredients, lose track of time … you get the idea.
For years, I dodged the dreaded turkey preparation bullet, relying on family to feed me. But in 1979, I decided to tackle a Butterball. I purchased a tinfoil roaster, cans of corn and green beans, two boxes of Stove Top Stuffing, a jumbo canister of Potato Buds and four jars of Heinz gravy.
When the turkey was done, I discovered I’d made a classic “first bird” error. Two crispy paper baggies of giblets and gizzards crinkled in his cavity.
My mother-in-law baked pies. My mom brought festive napkins, serving plates and her special green damask tablecloth.
Hubby fired up the electric knife and began to carve … through the tinfoil roaster, on the tablecloth. Juices saturated the damask and dripped on the linoleum.
I don’t limit my holiday bungling to entrees.
One season, I attempted fudge. I was short one cup of sugar, but rationalized “So what? Fudge is sweet enough.”
Sugar helps fudge “clot.”
It didn’t help when I hastily selected the wrong little brown bottle from the cupboard, adding 2 teaspoons of Gravy Master instead of vanilla.
Somewhere on a landfill, that fudge is still moving!
My guests must have low expectations and even lower standards.
I prepared my most infamous turkey in 2005. Galpal Denise suggested I buy a boneless turkey breast and simply cook it in my crockpot. Foolproof, right?
I unwrapped the 7-pound breast. The shiny skin appeared to be covered with lines. It looked … well … quilted.
But I Pam-sprayed the crock and bird, added a can of chicken broth and set the dial.
I’d invited only five guests. One of the guys lifted the thing from the pot and readied the Sunbeam knife to carve. Then he started laughing uncontrollably.
The “shiny skin” was actually an additional layer of plastic covering. The “quilting” came from the twine that bound the tender meat securely.
“Look!” my buddy exclaimed. “An S&M turkey!”
My friends still recall “Michele’s Bondage Bird.”
This year, I made what I make best: Reservations!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Michele Mikesic Bender is a Johnstown resident and a member of The Tribune-Democrat’s Readership Advisory Committee.
Lifestyles
Related Photos
-
Michele Bender submitted photo
Discussion
MICHELE BENDER | It’s hard to zest a plastic lemon
- Lifestyles
-
-
Pa. Turnpike to install electric car charging stations
The Pennsylvania Turnpike will take a "leap of faith" with its new electric-vehicle charging stations.
-
ACLU threatens legal action against Red Lion School District in transgender case
The American Civil Liberties Union has demanded Red Lion Area School District apologize to the transgender high school student involved in the prom king controversy.
-
Baseball, ice cream make winning combination
Baseball season is upon us. It's time to line the bases, break out the bats and cheer from the stands. For me, it signals the start of ice cream season. I scan the frozen food aisles of the local supermarkets, seeking the latest flavors for the upcoming warm months.
-
Learn to save on pet products, supplies
Families come in all shapes and sizes. But one thing that many families have in common is pets. With the average cost of owning a pet being $600 to $900 annually, I'm happy to say there are quite a few ways to save on those furry friends of ours.
-
Craft Beer Week featuring five 'collaboration brews'
Pittsburgh Craft Beer Week, which runs April 19 through 27, encompasses dozens of events across the city and region. But perhaps the best way to get a good taste of it is to get a taste or tastes of the "collaboration brews" made for that week at five local craft breweries.
-
Sun-Times: Famed movie critic Roger Ebert dies
Roger Ebert, the most famous and most popular film reviewer of his time who become the first journalist to win a Pulitzer Prize for movie criticism and, on his long-running TV program, wielded the nation's most influential thumb, died Thursday, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. He was 70.
-
'Jackass' star's different strokes: Margera paints
The star of "Jackass" is showing off his artistic side.
-
Pope reluctant to be pope: What does it mean?
He still goes by "Bergoglio" when speaking to friends, seems reluctant to call himself pope and has decided to live in the Vatican hotel rather than the grand papal apartment in the Apostolic Palace.
It might seem as if Pope Francis is in a bit of denial over his new job as leader of the world's 1.2-billion Catholics. Or perhaps he's simply changing the popular idea of what it means to be pope, keeping the no-frills style he cultivated as archbishop of Buenos Aires in ways that may have broad implications for the church.
-
Panera trying new pay-what-you-want experiment
Order a bowl of turkey chili at a St. Louis-area Panera Bread cafe and it'll cost you a penny. Or $5. Or $100. In other words, whatever you decide.
-
‘Spring Fling’ fundraiser will benefit area hospice
A local hospice wants to celebrate spring while raising money to continue its mission.
Conemaugh Regional Hospice will host its first Spring Fling on April 5 at Ace’s, 316 Chestnut St. in the Cambria City section of Johnstown. - More Lifestyles Headlines
-
Pa. Turnpike to install electric car charging stations
Tim Cook Defends Apple's Tax Accounting
AP Photograher: 'It Was a Miracle' They Got Out
Raw: Crews Search for Survivors of Okla. Tornado
Raw: Tearful Reunion After Okla. Tornado
OKC Hospital Describes Treating Tornado Wounded
Obama Pledges Urgent Aid for Tornado Victims
Raw: Massive Funnel Clouds in Oklahoma
